As a single person you can do pretty much anything you want. You answer to no one (except your mom), you eat what you want, you go where you want, you hang out with whom ever you want and you buy whatever car you want. If you want a stupidly fast car to get back and forth from your job at Subway, you do it. If you want a Corvette for your pizza delivery job, you get it. If you think a Ferrari makes sense for your job two blocks away, you get it. Believe me, I could have talked my self into buying a Lotus Exige for my old construction job if I really put my mind to it.
When you get married though, things change a bit. You have to stop being a selfish cuss. You have two people to think of now. “Your” money is now “our” money. Lame, I know. And if you plan on popping out a few dirty little rug rats, the Subaru BRZ you got for your moving company isn’t going to cut it anymore. For some reason, police frown upon strapping your kid’s car seat to the top of your two-seater with a couple of ratchet straps.
So, now we have a problem. If your now a family man or woman and need to transport your loved ones while maintaining your vehicular absurdity, what is one to do? Never fear, Kronospark has your back. We have gathered a small list of our favorite vehicles for getting your kids to soccer practice in no time.
WARNING: The following vehicles may stunt your child’s growth due to extremely low 0-60 times.
Mercedes ML63 AMG
How can you go wrong with an SUV that comes stock with a rear diffuser? With a twin turbo 5.5 liter V8 engine producing 518 hp and 516 lb-ft of torque, the Mercedes ML63 AMG will redefine “making a quick run to the corner store”. You can convince your significant other what a good idea this SUV is by peppering the conversation with terms like satellite navigation and PARKTRONIC active parking assist. Tell your family how safe features like an all-wheel drive system with 40-60 split and over sized breaks, make this a perfect SUV. They don’t need to know this is what launches you from 0-60 in 4.1 seconds and that you need those big breaks to keep you from traveling into the future. They also wouldn’t benefit from knowing that the optional AMG Performance Package turns the boost up from 14 to 18.8 lbs of boost now giving you 550 hp and 560 lb-ft torque. With 71 cubic ft of cargo space you can jam all the Johnny Jumpers and strollers you need to in the back while still embarrassing the guy in the sports car sitting next to you at the red light.
Range Rover Sport Super
For all the Kronospark fans that make their living playing professional sports or rapping, we have the family car for you. The Range Rover Sport Super, the marques sportiest box on wheels, is perfect for when your running a little late to dropping the kids off at school. The Range Rovers 5.0 liter V8 is donned with a twin-vortex supercharger which helps the hp’s see a not too shabby 510 and 461 lb-ft of torque. Their Dynamic Response suspension system senses cornering forces and automatically adjusts anti-roll bars to optimize body control and handling. You know, so the vehicle doesn’t tip while doing four wheel drifts…. I mean while safely transporting your most precious cargo.
The Range Rover is no slouch off-road either. The permanent four-wheel drive system, two speed transfer case and electronically controlled variable locking center differential that automatically distributes available torque to both drive axles will allow you to go back to get your daughters ballet shoes, which she haphazardly left on the other side of that pesky rock quarry. Also, with 71 cubic ft of cargo space you can easily haul enough diapers to get you through those messy first couple of years.
2004 Subaru Forester STI
Our friends in the Land of the Rising Sun were lucky to get this little gem. Subaru said “Well, I guess we could make our lamest car as good as our best car…… Let’s do that.” Using their trusty turbo charged and inter cooled DOHC 2.5 flat four, the modestly tuned motor put out 320 hp and a respectable 279 lb-ft torque. The Forester used the Impreza STI’s 6 speed transmission filled with taller gear ratios to match the engines torque curve.
Borrowing the WRX STI’s sport springs and revised struts, the extra girth of the Forester required beefier anti-roll bars and cross members. Also keeping the Foresters heft in check, were Brembo brakes and 18 inch rims wrapped in 225/45R-18 Bridgestone Potenzas. With a much smaller 29.6 cubic ft of cargo space, we can just say this is the more economical choice of the bunch. But don’t let that steer you away from this little guy. With it’s rally heritage, it wouldn’t take you long to ruin a dozen eggs on your way back from the grocery store while trying to perfect your Scandinavian flick.
Porsche Cayenne Turbo S
She has decorative ceramic dishes in the kitchen so it’s only fare that you have ceramic brakes on your family car, right?! (We apologize if that comment was sexist but were pretty sure nobody actually reads this so were not too worried). Porsche’s 4.8 liter V8 thought a single turbo would be too 968 (gross) so they doubled up on that jam and added a second to reach the Cayenne‘s 550 hp and 553 lb.-ft of torque. The motor was put up front so the family dog wouldn’t get too hot sitting on it in it’s usual rear mounted position. But with the aforementioned ceramic brakes doing the halting work, your Great Dane may be downsized to a Chihuahua if applied to liberally.
With the 8 speed Triptronic paddle shifted transmission, you can envision yourself in an F1 car as you shuttle your kids to their afternoon play date at Chuck E. Cheese’s. And for the longer hauls you can can get straight up lazy using Porsche’s adaptive cruise control which mimics the speed of the car in front of you while keeping a constant safe distance as they speed up and slow down.
Cadillac CTS-V Wagon
Big, smokey, Git-R-Dun, American, rear wheel drive burn outs!! I’m sorry! I can’t take it anymore! All the CTS-V Wagon is is a Corvette that you can haul a Corvette around in! A 6.2 liter V8 with an Eaton supercharger on top, spews out 556 hp straight to the back wheels. 6 speed manual transmission, Brembo brakes, Recaro seats…. I can’t come up with anything to up sell this one to the wife. The only thing I came up with was “Honey, it’s got 58 cubic ft of cargo space. We’ll need that to store your face when it melts off after I hammer the skinny pedal!”